Sunday, March 8, 2009

Musings...and Ramblings

For the first time in quite a while, I am questioning my reasons for being here in San Francisco. I really don't have much in the way of friends here. I have gotten quite a bit of satisfaction out of finally being as involved in boxing as I had always hoped. The opportunities that I didn't have in southern California were available in San Francisco. Because of that, I have been able to dedicate a huge amount of time, energy and passion into the sport. I have competed in front of hundreds of people, won trophies, and earned a respectable amount of competence at it. Sometime in the future, I can teach my son(s) how to defend themselves with their hands and tell them about my experiences in pugilism.

Right now, I wonder if that's all I really wanted out of it. I was talking with Laura, a friend of mine from the boxing gym about the subject. I could conclude that boxing, for whatever reason, means a whole lot to me. What I could not conclude was whether it actually SHOULD BE worth all the energy I am pouring into it. I am not in my early teens, where I could actually get started building a career in the sport. Being in my late twenties, I am an old man in boxing. So what am I really getting out of all this?

On days that I am not training, I am bored. At least part of that is because I don't have much in the way of social outlets away from the gym. My work is almost completely devoid of personal interaction. My co-workers are all decades older than me, with English being their second language. We have nothing outside of work to talk about, and no one seems to have any desire to do so anyway. One of my good friends from Southern California had moved up to San Francisco near the same time as me. We no longer talk outside of a small email now and again.

There is a lot of potential for me here in San Francisco, but I may have to make some major changes in my life to make them come about. The first thing to look at is the amount of resources I dedicate to boxing. Training two times a day, nearly every day of the week is a MASSIVE amount of my waking life. Perhaps it's time to cut back on that and focus on more adult priorities. That brings up it's own issues. The "typical" American adult life seems to consist of an endless cycle of work-consume-rest, with the "rest" consisting of TV, or other, similar opiates. Not that it HAS to resemble that, but I suppose I am just unsure what will fill my life and time if boxing doesn't. I see other people my age already starting to slow down, get rounder, start smoking and drinking more, and beginning to display the early signs of the health problems that will end up shortening their lives. That certainly does NOT appeal.

It's interesting, but now is the first time in my life where finances are NOT a problem. I make a very good salary doing what I am doing, and I don't have to break my back to get it. I have the ability to be comfortable, I'm just not sure that "comfort" is what I want. For better or worse, I (and Bryan) feel like we have the potential in us to make something very good and meaningful out of our lives. What exactly that consists of, I have no idea. I don't feel any particular cause calling out to me. Ending hunger, curing a disease, donating time or money to the needy don't call to me any more than other folk. All I know is that I am not prepared to embrace a ho-hum existence, and the lack of direction on how to avoid that is frustrating, to say the least.

5 comments:

meximama said...

what if you have a daughter??? (sorry, just being a smartass)

Martin said...

haha

Her too :)

Anna Schmidt said...

I love this post...I feel like I wrote it myself...What am I doing with my life??? Ahhh!

MissKeyz said...

Great post.

I believe it to be a blessing to have something you're passionate about. There are many people in this world, both young and old, that haven't figured any passions for themselves out, and feel very lost. But I also understand, that it is one thing to have a passion, however, it's another thing if that passion has a future for you or not. And I think that despite you still being on your path to discovering other mysteries your current life situation has in stock for you, you have a lot figured out already.

One of my favorite quotes of all time by Paulo Coelho:
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

Phoebe said...

Great post. Very insightful, thoughtful, and absolutely relatable. What a blessing to be at this point, as many might enter that ho-hum existence without a single thought about it.

You'll find it :)